i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
