He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
