i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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