Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
