i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
