Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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