4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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