I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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