I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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