Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
