That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
