I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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