I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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