So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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