Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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