Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
