So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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