I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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