i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize