life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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