There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
