omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I won the penis lottery.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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