I am puke
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
