u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The uberlube is also flammable
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
