My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
