He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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