Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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