hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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