I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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