she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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