Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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