Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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