apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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