you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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