"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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