can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
