fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
