this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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