Yo dont text me then not text me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
