Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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