i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
