I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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