I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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