I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
