i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
