mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We left an ass print on the piano.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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