if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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