tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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