i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
