Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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