I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
