careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
