I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
