Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
