last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
