life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
