There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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