I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
