Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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