K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
His hands were made for my vagina.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
