I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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