Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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