A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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