The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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